Beginnings....

The beginning of a series?

My mind, that is my mind's aspirations, seem to run beyond my abilities and energy! 

Do you ever feel like you are way behind in what you'd like to accomplish - that you just don't have the time to complete what you have planned and that sometimes you wonder if what you have planned makes sense or is realistic?  It's easy to get discouraged and decide I need a 'break' and then, of course, I fall further behind and need to write off or modify my aspirations - once again!

geranium

In planning for a group art show, this coming April, I realized I would need more paintings.  I also realized that paintings always take more time to complete than I expect and when you mix that in with a 'part-time' job, laziness, and now learning to walk after a knee replacement - well, I just know that I need to better manage not only my time but my aspirations.  

So I came up with a plan - a series of smaller 10"x10" watercolours.  The subject matter would be a little piece of a larger picture -  I tend to like to focus in on a part of the whole so this appealed to me.

from a statue in Bonaventure Cemetery, Savannah

So far, while I would love to complete about 12 of these, I have only finished the 3 included here!  Actually, I have been surprised at how much time they've taken.  I am coming to realize that smaller paintings can sometimes take almost as much time as larger paintings!  That some, not all, larger paintings are easier to paint than smaller paintings... it really becomes a complex adjustment of how intricate the subject is, how the colour combinations work or don't work out, how quickly or not I lose interest in the painting [which is something that always surprises me], and how long it takes me to settle and get to work - I find it difficult to paint if I don't have a reasonable amount of time.

Oh well - here are the first three - I have a long ways to go on this series and at the moment I am sidetracked by a larger painting, which I "hope" to finish today!!!

So I best get on with it.

Vestigia

Many years have come and gone since I was in grade 11 but -  I have a copy of our Literature class text, A Book of Good Poems and today as I finished a painting I thought I'd look for a poem to maybe go along with the painting.  

The painting is overly bright and when I asked Doug what he thought he simply frowned and didn't say anything!!  So it obviously didn't draw him in - oh well.... Yes, it is obviously more autumn-ish and completely out of place on what I hear is a wonderfully warm winter day - no, I have not ventured out today and have not since last Tuesday when I went to physio for my knee replacement exercise checkup.

While Wilfred Campbell's "Indian Summer" might go best visibly with the painting -
"Along the line of smoky hills
The crimson forest stands,
And all the day the blue-jay calls
Throughout the autumn lands..."

- I've decided to go with 

"Vestigia" by Bliss Carmen

I took a day to search for God,

And found Him not. But as I trod

By rocky ledge, through woods untamed,

Just where one scarlet lily flamed,

I saw His footprint in the sod.

Then suddenly, all unaware,


Far off in the deep shadows, where


A solitary hermit thrush

Sang through the holy twilight hush—

I heard His voice upon the air.

And even as I marvelled how


God gives us Heaven here and now,


In a stir of wind that hardly shook


The poplar leaves beside the brook—

His hand was light upon my brow.

At last with evening as I turned


Homeward, and thought what I had learned


And all that there was still to probe—


I caught the glory of His robe

Where the last fires of sunset burned.

Back to the world with quickening start


I looked and longed for any part


In making saving Beauty be . . .


And from that kindling ecstasy

I knew God dwelt within my heart.

Esther deWaal, Lost in Wonder.... "When we move with poetry and the imagination, when we deal with symbols and images, we become people who are happy with mystery and open to discover. To deepen the mystery, to embrace complexity is risky.  We need to have courage enough to be ready for an unveiling which can be a startling process.... The longer that we stay with an image and dialogue with it, the more will it yield up. 'A symbol should go on deepening' as Flannery O'Connor says.  We have to wait for the image to find us. Sometimes it may come unbidden, but often we must expect to stay with it, and to be ready to go deeper, layer upon layer - always waiting expectantly.  Images are best described - as footholds into a truth that cannot be expressed fully in words...sometimes they come suddenly and easily... and then, they depart suddenly just when we most wanted to hold on to them."

Well, I do like poems which take hold of my imagination and give me a reprieve from the everydayness of life.  I "sometimes" like it when a painting is more imaginative than real and perhaps because of the colours this painting is more imaginative... perhaps it can draw someone into an imaginary place of meaning and contentment before landing them on the dock to walk back into reality.

"A word in the mind is like a pebble in the shoe."

"May you work on yourself,
Building up and refining the ways of your mind...

May you treasure the gifts of the mind
Through reading and creative thinking
So you continue as a servant of the frontier
Where the new will draw its enrichment from the old,
And you never become a functionary." 
                              - For a Leader,  John O'Donohue


Doug grabbed a book at the library which he thought I might like - and I do like it!

Does This Church Make me Look Fat? by Rhoda Janzen. http://rhodajanzen.com 

I'm not sure yet how the book title actually relates to the content but I am enjoying the story and insights.  For example - learning to hold oneself more loosely and others more carefully.

"The stories we surround ourselves with can either move us forward or hold us back.  A word in the mind is like a pebble in the shoe: both can bring our journey to a full stop....we ended up learning a lesson about language.  We both got stuck on words.  I should never have asked if my friends from the dinner party believed in a literal fish. [the discussion included Jonah and the whale]  Whoo boy.  We can hold so tightly to language that our grip on it actually weakens communication,  We insist on our interpretation, but at what cost!  How lovely it would be if we could hold our words loosely, like sand cupped underwater, carried away by the swift moving current of meaning itself.

Like Leroy, we white out the past [teenager -  painted over phrases on his bedroom walls relating to how much he loved the girl who had just ditched him:)] We erase not our history, but its power to harm us.  This is what it takes to move forward: an outpouring of grace, coat after coat, day after day, a willingness to keep going back to the room that speaks of our defeat.  Faith is the hope that our work will have meaning, that someday our troubled rooms will be transformed."

"In surrendering to the divine we yield to divine transformation. A causes B.  This surrender is the only intentional gesture we can make to invite real and permanent character change.  It may not perfect us; but thank God, it sure makes us better than we were..."  

Gather me to be with you...

An Advent Blessing which I received today from a friend and pass on to you...

May you be Wrapped in Hope

Graced with Peace

Filled with Joy and 

Embraced in Love

under our front evergreen seems like a good spot for small animals to shelter

  

O GOD, gather me now to be with you as you are with me.

Soothe my tiredness;

quiet my fretfulness;

curb my aimlessness;

receive my compulsiveness;

let me be easy for a moment.

O LORD, release me from the fears and guilts which grip me so tightly;

from the expectations and opinions which I so tightly grip,

that I may be open to receiving,

to learn something refreshingly different.

O GOD, gather me to be with you as you are with me.

Forgive me for claiming so much for myself that I leave no room for gratitude;

for confusing exercises in self-importance with acceptance of self-worth;

for complaining so much of my burdens that I become a burden;

for competing against others so insidiously that I stifle celebrating them and receiving your blessing through their gifts.

O GOD, gather me to be with you as you are with me.

 

Keep me in touch with myself,

with my needs,

my anxieties,

my angers,

my pains,

my corruptions,

that I may claim them as my own rather than blame them on someone else.

O LORD, deepen my wounds into wisdom;

shape my weakness into compassion;

gentle my envy into enjoyment,

my fear into trust,

my guilt into honesty,

my accusing finger into tickling ones.

O GOD, gather me to be with you as you are with me.

by Ted Loder, Guerillas of Grace

by the front door - somehow inviting

       

"more than a glance"

'This' does not happen often -  by this, I mean when words come tumbling out in the semblance of a poem.  My usual form of creative endeavour is through writing or a painted image.  But, a few days back travelling along the snowy avenue between home and the university, students braving the cold... these were my thoughts.  Not sure where they came from or where they will go - they just are.

I'm out in the cold,
My cap pulled down,
Muffled and gloved
I stomp the ground.

Alone in my self
Alone in the crowd
No one to care,
Alone - yet proud.

Just one smile
But you turn your face to the side.
Just one glance catching my eye might
be all it takes
to give me hope,
to say that I'm here.
Just one glance,
would it say that you care?

But my eyes are cast down
I dont want to see.
It will take more than a glance
to awaken me....

My first reaction was - how desolate!  Then, I thought that sometimes we think a glance, catching someone's eye, a smile will somehow validate and encourage another...and I believe these are immensely important for that very reason.  But, lately I was reminded that a glance or a smile simply may not be enough or it may not be the right thing.

While on retreat last week I began to read Esther de Waal's, "Lost in Wonder" and came across this quote from an ode by Pablo Neruda.  While he speaks of touching things such as utensils, fabric, things crafted by human hands the words reminded me of how I sometimes touch others. I remembered gently touching on the shoulders two ladies deep in conversation with one another - both obviously moved and near tears.  I think my touch was meant to say, "I see, I care, and I befriend you in your grief - but I will respect you and not intrude upon your togetherness."

"Many things gave me completeness
They did not only touch me
My hand did not merely touch them,
but rather,
they befriended
my existence."

Queen's House, October 2011- view from my window of the snow laden trees and bushes

Queen's House, October 2011- inspired by the view from my window of the river and beyond 

Blue-stockings and Red-herrings

While looking for a particular quote today, I came across the word "bluestocking" and in the process was drawn to the word, 'red-herring' which reminded me of a book I recently read, A Red Herring Without Mustard, a Flavia de Luce novel by Alan Bradley.   I liked how the words go together so had a go at pursuing this digression in my 'busy day' of yard work, family chatter, and preparations for our turkey dinner - where I'm sure there will be conversation, banter and yes, even some distracting comments... 

Here are a few thoughts I ferreted out on the internet ...

Bluestocking:  a woman having intellectual or literary interests / an educated woman who is interested in books and ideas.

Any group of ladies who in mid-18th century England held "conversations' to which they invited men of letters and members of the aristocracy with literary interests.  The word has come to be applied derisively to a woman who affects literary or learned interests.  The Bluestockings attempted to replace social evenings spent playing cards and idle chatter with something more intellectually.  The term probably originated when one of the ladies, Mrs. Vesey, invited the learned Benjamin Stillingfleet to one of her parties; he declined because he lacked appropriate dress, whereupon she told him to come "in his blue stockings' - the ordinary worsted stockings as opposed to the black silk stockings which were required for formal evening dress.


A Red herring is a clue which is intentionally or unintentionally misleading or distracting from the actual issue; used to divert attention from the real problem or matter at hand.  The term is mostly used to claim that the argument of another person is not relevant to the issue being discussed.  In mystery fiction, a clue or lead that turns out not to be relevant to the solution of the mystery would also be a red herring....

The term is generally believed to come from the sport of fox hunting in which a dried, smoked herring, which is red in color, is dragged across the trail of the fox to throw the hounds off the scent.  Thus, a "red herring" argument is one which distracts the audience from the issue in question through the introduction of some irrelevancy.  This frequently occurs during debates... by extension, it applies to any argument in which the premisses are logically irrelevant to the conclusion.... [www.fallacyfiles.org]

Personally:  I like the idea of a group of women getting together to discuss, dialogue about what they have read.  But somehow the idea of a "Book Club" never quite drew me... I would never be able to confine my thoughts to one book at a time... somehow there needs to be a bit more pizazz, a bit more dialogue, a bit more pursuing of ideas and some reflection.

I like mysteries so red herrings somehow work into my thoughts constantly and in chatting with others I'm frequently drawing my mind back to the present topic.  I live with the tension of intently and single-mindedly pursuing the fox or following a more inviting path in the woodland. I always hope that the paths will somehow come together in the end.

Starting to ramble here but just putting it out there for all you book-minded, mystery loving ladies, who may or may not have had a longing to wear blue stockings and pursue dialogue where red-herrings are allowed .... I'm willing, how about you???

"Midwife to the birth of a Soul..."

This week a friend and fellow seeker after God passed away.  We seldom chatted at any great length during the 30 odd years we knew each other but he taught me to pay attention to my soul by giving my mind time to ponder and contemplate - to listen and gather the thoughts that meshed & clashed in my mind - to not be afraid of uncertainty - to face the questions and pursue them...knowing full well that this quest would continue until the day we die and we finally rest...body, soul and spirit.

As I read comments on Facebook and later heard comments read at the memorial service the one phrase which kept coming to mind was, "The greatest privilege of a human life is to become midwife to the birth of a soul."[John O'Donohue]  I was only one of many whom he helped birth... what a blessing to have those in our lives who coax our souls to life - who encourage us to find the "dreams that lie at the hearth of the soul."

In the days leading up to his passing I gave him the book, To Bless the Space Between Us, by John O'Donohue.  The last thing he said to me was, "I read the book."  As he agreed that he was now in that thin space between heaven and earth and held strongly to my hand as I sang over him a blessing... his soul was at peace, his mind at rest...

and so, Ken, as you enter heaven ...

"May your heart be speechless
At the sight of the truth
Of all belief had hoped,
Your heart breathless
In the light and lightness
Where each and everything
Is at last its true self
Within that serene belonging
That dwells beside us
On the other side
Of what we see."